As each day in the hospital passed by I could feel the emotions start to build up inside of me. I could not explain how I felt, but I was scared to death to go home with two new babies. Nurse after nurse explained the complications of Postpartum depression and how common it is among new mothers. I knew about it, read about it, and heard it countless times from everyone, and I still couldn't stop it from happening to me.
As we packed up our bags and gathered all the wonderful gifts people had brought I could not get myself to feel excited and happy. I was scared and welling up with tears thinking about having to take care of these human beings. We head home and my husband assures me that everything will be okay, and that we will be much more comfortable at home. How could I do this without a nurse helping me every hour? How was this going to work? I had not had success nursing them the entire time we were in the hospital and I was worried it wasn't going to work. Every mother's dream is to be able to nurse and bond with their newborn baby, but I had two and it just wasn't working.
It's pouring down rain when we arrive at our apartment, we rush inside and get settled in as the girls sleep sweetly in their car seats. I sit down, and just stare at them. It was time to feed them again and my milk was just starting to come in. They wouldn't latch and the crying made my anxiety go crazy, but I just did not want to give up. I tried and tried and tried, over and over again. I made an emergency call to my sister to come over because I had no idea how to work my breast pump and I felt like I was going to explode! They finally nursed a little and then went back to sleep. I laid the girls down in the bassinet and I reclined back in my chair to try to get a few hours of sleep. Little did I know, every single noise that the girls made would wake me up. "Welcome to motherhood", I thought as I sat there in tears just wanting to get a couple hours of sleep, this cannot be real.
We came home on Sunday and by Tuesday I was losing my mind. I had no sleep, trying my best to nurse, and my life was complete chaos! I went into my bedroom and flopped down on the bed in tears as my husband tried to console me. I told him that I just wanted to give up!
We headed off to the doctor for the girls to get their check-up, and here is where I really lose it. The nurses (who ended up being awful) told me that the girls were not eating enough and that they needed to be supplemented with formula to get their weight up. Okay, I can handle that, but wait there's more! We also needed to keep track of every ounce that they ate, and every diaper they dirtied. Oh boy, this was going to be a challenge. We get our things together and head out of the office as I call my doctor. This was it, the bitter reality, motherhood is difficult and I needed medicine. Postpartum depression had hit, and it had hit hard.
