The Dream Days...and The Bitter Reality

So you have done it, given birth to two children.  Two completely developed human beings that come out ready to take on the world.  It's pretty incredible when you are looking down at those tiny little people and trying to figure out how on earth they both fit inside of you at the same time.  These are the dream days.  Those three days that you spend in the hospital after having your baby/babies.  Every nurse is by your side at all times, helping you nurse, change, and swaddle your sweet bundles of joy.  For those few days you think, "Yea I can do this!  Being a mother is awesome!".
As each day in the hospital passed by I could feel the emotions start to build up inside of me.  I could not explain how I felt, but I was scared to death to go home with two new babies.  Nurse after nurse explained the complications of Postpartum depression and how common it is among new mothers.  I knew about it, read about it, and heard it countless times from everyone, and I still couldn't stop it from happening to me.
As we packed up our bags and gathered all the wonderful gifts people had brought I could not get myself to feel excited and happy.  I was scared and welling up with tears thinking about having to take care of these human beings.  We head home and my husband assures me that everything will be okay, and that we will be much more comfortable at home.  How could I do this without a nurse helping me every hour?  How was this going to work?  I had not had success nursing them the entire time we were in the hospital and I was worried it wasn't going to work.  Every mother's dream is to be able to nurse and bond with their newborn baby, but I had two and it just wasn't working.
It's pouring down rain when we arrive at our apartment, we rush inside and get settled in as the girls sleep sweetly in their car seats.  I sit down, and just stare at them.  It was time to feed them again and my milk was just starting to come in.  They wouldn't latch and the crying made my anxiety go crazy, but I just did not want to give up.  I tried and tried and tried, over and over again.  I made an emergency call to my sister to come over because I had no idea how to work my breast pump and I felt like I was going to explode!  They finally nursed a little and then went back to sleep.  I laid the girls down in the bassinet and I reclined back in my chair to try to get a few hours of sleep.  Little did I know, every single noise that the girls made would wake me up.  "Welcome to motherhood", I thought as I sat there in tears just wanting to get a couple hours of sleep, this cannot be real.
We came home on Sunday and by Tuesday I was losing my mind.  I had no sleep, trying my best to nurse, and my life was complete chaos!  I went into my bedroom and flopped down on the bed in tears as my husband tried to console me.  I told him that I just wanted to give up! 
We headed off to the doctor for the girls to get their check-up, and here is where I really lose it.  The nurses (who ended up being awful) told me that the girls were not eating enough and that they needed to be supplemented with formula to get their weight up.  Okay, I can handle that, but wait there's more!  We also needed to keep track of every ounce that they ate, and every diaper they dirtied.  Oh boy, this was going to be a challenge.  We get our things together and head out of the office as I call my doctor.  This was it, the bitter reality, motherhood is difficult and I needed medicine.  Postpartum depression had hit, and it had hit hard.

Pretty in Pink

Married and pregnant with twins starting my senior year of college.  Well, go big or go home I suppose.  Our doctor at VPFW told my husband and me early on that I would more than likely not go full term and that I would probably be put on bed rest at some point.  Fortunately, I had been a college athlete up until this point so my body was in great condition to handle a twin pregnancy (not to mention my naturally big hips helped a little too).
The first few months were full of stomach sickness, migraines, and hormonal tears every now and again.  My loving husband took me to Jimmy Johns for lunch one Saturday, and we order two sandwiches to sit down and eat.  I took a bite, and tears started to well up in my eyes.  He looks over at me, "What's wrong babe?".  I look up trying to fight back tears, "They put mayonnaise on my sandwich", and the tears began to pour down my face.  He quickly gathered our things and walked me to the car.  We get in and I look at him, completely embarrassed and obviously still upset about the mayo incident.  He says, "don't worry about the sandwich, let's just a take a drive".  Long story short, we ended up at Bass Pro Shop, where we spent the day walking around and eating fudge.  What a great guy, right?
Eventually the sickness and migraines faded away, and for a short period of time I felt like Superwoman.  My days were spent going to class and completing assignments, and my nights were spent waiting tables at Colonial Pizza.  Pregnancy was treating me well, and I was fully enjoying the belly.
It was finally time to find out what we were having!  Boys, boys, boys!  Two boys is what we wanted, or at least one of each.  We go into the doctor's office with anticipation building as we sign in and wait to be called back.  Right away the ultrasound tech asks if we would like to know what we are having.  "Yes!" we said excitedly as we stared at the screen trying to figure it out ourselves.  Two girls?!  We were shocked but happy that we were going to have two healthy girls.  (At this point, all we knew was that the girls were in two separate sacs inside of me, which meant that they were going to be fraternal twins)
I was overly excited that I was going to be able to buy girl clothes, toys, and of course accessories!  My husband, naturally, was feeling down about not having any boys, but now he would not trade these girls for the world.  I slipped on the two little pink bracelets and went to show the family.  It was official, we were about to be up to our eyeballs in pink!

And Then There Were Four

3 a.m., yep, that is when we found out we were going to be parents.  Sitting in our small city apartment just big enough for the two of us.  We were in shock.  Obviously we knew how it happened, but how did this happen to us?  Our emotions were tinkering between excited and scared for our lives.  We were having a baby (or so we thought).
All of our family and friends were so excited that we would be adding a sweet little baby to the family!  We had become excited ourselves and could not wait for the first trip to the doctor.  

Here we go, first ultrasound.  We check in at the VPFW office and there are pregnant women all around me.  I look around and think, if these women can all do it, then I surely can.  We sit in the waiting room, nervous and excited to finally see the little baby inside of me.  I lay down in the chair and the ultrasound tech squirts a large amount of gooey substance all over my stomach.  The anticipation builds as she goes searching for that tiny little gummy bear.  She zooms in, "well there is your little peanut".  A collective "awww" from my husband and I as tears start to well up in my eyes.  She zooms back out and in again, "and there is your other other peanut".  Wait, what?  What do you mean other peanut?  "Yep, you are having twins".  She said it so matter of fact, which I suppose is the only way to say it.  Happy, scared, and unsure tears run down my face.  I'm going to be a mother to two babies.  Oh, boy!  And then there were four.

This is Where it Begins

Everyone has one of those nights, whether you want to admit it or not.  Where you make decisions that could make or break your life.  When you choose to follow your heart and let everything else fall into place.  Times like those, twins are created.  I will not spill all the details of how, when, and where the girls were conceived.  Just know that it was filled with absolute love and affection for both my husband and I, and no we were not married yet.
It was the night of our wedding.  Lights were low, music was loud, and friends and family were dancing like there was no tomorrow.  I was completely in love with the man of my dreams and we were sharing kisses and dances whenever we got the chance.  Not a care in the world!  After the reception we all headed out to the local bars to continue celebrating this wonderful, once in a lifetime occasion.  I am talking away with my sister-in-law about life and happiness, when all of the sudden it hits me.  Oh no, I'm late!  Okay, I cannot be that late, let me just check my phone.  5 days, you cannot be serious!  It's obviously the stress of the wedding, so I will just worry about it later.
After a long night of celebration, my husband and I head to the local Hilton Inn and settle down into our massive king bed with blankets so soft it was as if we were floating on clouds.  I could not hold it in any longer, I just had to tell him.  "Babe, I'm 5 days late".  He responds with "You are joking?!".  No, I would definitely not joke about this, and if I did it would not be on the night of our wedding!  We both take a big sigh and think about the possibility that we may become parents in just 9 short months.  My husband looks at me and says, "it's the night of our wedding, I will worry about this tomorrow".
The next day, sure enough, we had a positive pregnancy test.  We took a deep breath, this is it.  This is the end.  Our lives of working all week and partying all weekend had to come to an abrupt stop.  We were going to be parents.  We wanted kids of course, but not right away.  Yep, this was definitely the end of life as we knew it.  Little did we know, this is where it all begins.