The Dream Days...and The Bitter Reality

So you have done it, given birth to two children.  Two completely developed human beings that come out ready to take on the world.  It's pretty incredible when you are looking down at those tiny little people and trying to figure out how on earth they both fit inside of you at the same time.  These are the dream days.  Those three days that you spend in the hospital after having your baby/babies.  Every nurse is by your side at all times, helping you nurse, change, and swaddle your sweet bundles of joy.  For those few days you think, "Yea I can do this!  Being a mother is awesome!".
As each day in the hospital passed by I could feel the emotions start to build up inside of me.  I could not explain how I felt, but I was scared to death to go home with two new babies.  Nurse after nurse explained the complications of Postpartum depression and how common it is among new mothers.  I knew about it, read about it, and heard it countless times from everyone, and I still couldn't stop it from happening to me.
As we packed up our bags and gathered all the wonderful gifts people had brought I could not get myself to feel excited and happy.  I was scared and welling up with tears thinking about having to take care of these human beings.  We head home and my husband assures me that everything will be okay, and that we will be much more comfortable at home.  How could I do this without a nurse helping me every hour?  How was this going to work?  I had not had success nursing them the entire time we were in the hospital and I was worried it wasn't going to work.  Every mother's dream is to be able to nurse and bond with their newborn baby, but I had two and it just wasn't working.
It's pouring down rain when we arrive at our apartment, we rush inside and get settled in as the girls sleep sweetly in their car seats.  I sit down, and just stare at them.  It was time to feed them again and my milk was just starting to come in.  They wouldn't latch and the crying made my anxiety go crazy, but I just did not want to give up.  I tried and tried and tried, over and over again.  I made an emergency call to my sister to come over because I had no idea how to work my breast pump and I felt like I was going to explode!  They finally nursed a little and then went back to sleep.  I laid the girls down in the bassinet and I reclined back in my chair to try to get a few hours of sleep.  Little did I know, every single noise that the girls made would wake me up.  "Welcome to motherhood", I thought as I sat there in tears just wanting to get a couple hours of sleep, this cannot be real.
We came home on Sunday and by Tuesday I was losing my mind.  I had no sleep, trying my best to nurse, and my life was complete chaos!  I went into my bedroom and flopped down on the bed in tears as my husband tried to console me.  I told him that I just wanted to give up! 
We headed off to the doctor for the girls to get their check-up, and here is where I really lose it.  The nurses (who ended up being awful) told me that the girls were not eating enough and that they needed to be supplemented with formula to get their weight up.  Okay, I can handle that, but wait there's more!  We also needed to keep track of every ounce that they ate, and every diaper they dirtied.  Oh boy, this was going to be a challenge.  We get our things together and head out of the office as I call my doctor.  This was it, the bitter reality, motherhood is difficult and I needed medicine.  Postpartum depression had hit, and it had hit hard.

Today is The Day!

"Babe, I'm freezing cold!" I whispered as I scooted into bed beside my husband in an attempt to steal body heat and comfort myself.  I was shivering uncontrollably and I thought I must be cold.  He wrapped me up in a blanket and asked if everything was okay.  I told him yes and we slipped back into a light sleep before the alarm clocks started going off.
Still shivering, why was I still shivering?  I grabbed my phone and searched google for "labor symptoms" while my husband was getting ready for work.  Yep, shivering is one of them.  It couldn't be, not today, my c-section is scheduled for tomorrow!  All the thoughts racing through my head, most importantly, I had not packed a bag.  Typical of me to procrastinate, but seriously I still had one more day!  I looked up as Denver peered into the bedroom, "Caitlin call the doctor".  I looked down at my phone and glanced up again at him, "I have to drive 2 hours to work, so you need to call now!".  I dial the phone to reach the on-call doctor and explain my symptoms, sure enough I was in labor.  We scramble around the apartment grabbing random things that we may need and I rinse off in the shower without washing my hair (which is a big deal to me), and then we were off to the hospital.
We arrived shortly after I had started having contractions while riding in the car.  Both of us felt so unprepared, like we were going to puke at any moment.  We held it together as they showed us to our room and I started to get prepared to have my c-section.
Family members start arriving to say their last "good lucks" before we head back to the delivery room.  I was pumped with 2 bags of fluid, and hooked up to a million different machines monitoring everything you can imagine.  It was all happening so fast!  Meanwhile, I was having the most awful contractions and squeezing the life out of my poor husbands hand.  Before I knew it I was being wheeled down the hall, alone, to the operating room where they would begin to give me an epidural.  Alone, yes alone, I just wanted my husband or my mom or someone!  The head nurse grabbed my hands and told me not to worry.  She reminded me of my sweet Mema and all of the sudden I felt comforted, still scared, but I felt like I was in good hands.
The epidural hit me and I felt great!  For the first time in months I felt like I could actually breath!  No more pressure, no more pain, no more feeling anything.  Honestly, at that moment all I wanted to do was fall asleep, but I was about to become a mother.  In walks my husband, all scrubbed up, it was time!  The doctor comes in with just enough time to wash his hands and slap on some gloves, here it goes!
Five minutes later, (yes 5 minutes) out comes a beautiful little Native American bundle, Layla Marie or better known as Baby A.  Then precisely one minute later, an exact gorgeously perfect replica comes out, Annabelle Lee or Baby B.  We were so excited, happy, scared, overjoyed!  We were finally parents to not one, but two sweet little baby girls, and they were absolutely perfect!