The Dream Days...and The Bitter Reality

So you have done it, given birth to two children.  Two completely developed human beings that come out ready to take on the world.  It's pretty incredible when you are looking down at those tiny little people and trying to figure out how on earth they both fit inside of you at the same time.  These are the dream days.  Those three days that you spend in the hospital after having your baby/babies.  Every nurse is by your side at all times, helping you nurse, change, and swaddle your sweet bundles of joy.  For those few days you think, "Yea I can do this!  Being a mother is awesome!".
As each day in the hospital passed by I could feel the emotions start to build up inside of me.  I could not explain how I felt, but I was scared to death to go home with two new babies.  Nurse after nurse explained the complications of Postpartum depression and how common it is among new mothers.  I knew about it, read about it, and heard it countless times from everyone, and I still couldn't stop it from happening to me.
As we packed up our bags and gathered all the wonderful gifts people had brought I could not get myself to feel excited and happy.  I was scared and welling up with tears thinking about having to take care of these human beings.  We head home and my husband assures me that everything will be okay, and that we will be much more comfortable at home.  How could I do this without a nurse helping me every hour?  How was this going to work?  I had not had success nursing them the entire time we were in the hospital and I was worried it wasn't going to work.  Every mother's dream is to be able to nurse and bond with their newborn baby, but I had two and it just wasn't working.
It's pouring down rain when we arrive at our apartment, we rush inside and get settled in as the girls sleep sweetly in their car seats.  I sit down, and just stare at them.  It was time to feed them again and my milk was just starting to come in.  They wouldn't latch and the crying made my anxiety go crazy, but I just did not want to give up.  I tried and tried and tried, over and over again.  I made an emergency call to my sister to come over because I had no idea how to work my breast pump and I felt like I was going to explode!  They finally nursed a little and then went back to sleep.  I laid the girls down in the bassinet and I reclined back in my chair to try to get a few hours of sleep.  Little did I know, every single noise that the girls made would wake me up.  "Welcome to motherhood", I thought as I sat there in tears just wanting to get a couple hours of sleep, this cannot be real.
We came home on Sunday and by Tuesday I was losing my mind.  I had no sleep, trying my best to nurse, and my life was complete chaos!  I went into my bedroom and flopped down on the bed in tears as my husband tried to console me.  I told him that I just wanted to give up! 
We headed off to the doctor for the girls to get their check-up, and here is where I really lose it.  The nurses (who ended up being awful) told me that the girls were not eating enough and that they needed to be supplemented with formula to get their weight up.  Okay, I can handle that, but wait there's more!  We also needed to keep track of every ounce that they ate, and every diaper they dirtied.  Oh boy, this was going to be a challenge.  We get our things together and head out of the office as I call my doctor.  This was it, the bitter reality, motherhood is difficult and I needed medicine.  Postpartum depression had hit, and it had hit hard.

Today is The Day!

"Babe, I'm freezing cold!" I whispered as I scooted into bed beside my husband in an attempt to steal body heat and comfort myself.  I was shivering uncontrollably and I thought I must be cold.  He wrapped me up in a blanket and asked if everything was okay.  I told him yes and we slipped back into a light sleep before the alarm clocks started going off.
Still shivering, why was I still shivering?  I grabbed my phone and searched google for "labor symptoms" while my husband was getting ready for work.  Yep, shivering is one of them.  It couldn't be, not today, my c-section is scheduled for tomorrow!  All the thoughts racing through my head, most importantly, I had not packed a bag.  Typical of me to procrastinate, but seriously I still had one more day!  I looked up as Denver peered into the bedroom, "Caitlin call the doctor".  I looked down at my phone and glanced up again at him, "I have to drive 2 hours to work, so you need to call now!".  I dial the phone to reach the on-call doctor and explain my symptoms, sure enough I was in labor.  We scramble around the apartment grabbing random things that we may need and I rinse off in the shower without washing my hair (which is a big deal to me), and then we were off to the hospital.
We arrived shortly after I had started having contractions while riding in the car.  Both of us felt so unprepared, like we were going to puke at any moment.  We held it together as they showed us to our room and I started to get prepared to have my c-section.
Family members start arriving to say their last "good lucks" before we head back to the delivery room.  I was pumped with 2 bags of fluid, and hooked up to a million different machines monitoring everything you can imagine.  It was all happening so fast!  Meanwhile, I was having the most awful contractions and squeezing the life out of my poor husbands hand.  Before I knew it I was being wheeled down the hall, alone, to the operating room where they would begin to give me an epidural.  Alone, yes alone, I just wanted my husband or my mom or someone!  The head nurse grabbed my hands and told me not to worry.  She reminded me of my sweet Mema and all of the sudden I felt comforted, still scared, but I felt like I was in good hands.
The epidural hit me and I felt great!  For the first time in months I felt like I could actually breath!  No more pressure, no more pain, no more feeling anything.  Honestly, at that moment all I wanted to do was fall asleep, but I was about to become a mother.  In walks my husband, all scrubbed up, it was time!  The doctor comes in with just enough time to wash his hands and slap on some gloves, here it goes!
Five minutes later, (yes 5 minutes) out comes a beautiful little Native American bundle, Layla Marie or better known as Baby A.  Then precisely one minute later, an exact gorgeously perfect replica comes out, Annabelle Lee or Baby B.  We were so excited, happy, scared, overjoyed!  We were finally parents to not one, but two sweet little baby girls, and they were absolutely perfect!

Embrace the Belly

Pregnancy is beautiful!  Well, until about 6 months.  Then it is miserable, hot, uncomfortable, and just plain hard.  Every morning you wake up and feel like you cannot go another day with this huge belly and inability to sleep at night.  Always hungry but unable to eat large meals because there is simply no room left for your stomach to expand.  Your cute little baby bump turns into a hazardous mass of belly, big enough to take out small children if you aren't careful.  Don't get me wrong, the belly is adorable and so much fun to show off, but miserable nonetheless.
I returned in January of 2014 for my spring semester of school.  My belly had grown a lot over winter break, and as a result everyone was staring in disbelief.  They were probably all wondering why the first baseman from the softball team was pregnant.  I literally busted a huge belly in a matter of 1 month.  I was giant, well at least my belly was.
It was not long before I could no longer fit in the desk at school.  My belly would not fit in between the chair and built in desk.  I had to borrow the chair from the professor and scoot up to the closest desk.  Days were long, nights were even longer.  I was ready to have those babies out of me, and I still had 3 months to go!
By the time March came along, I was able to finish midterms for my last semester, and then I was put on bed rest.  I used this time to mentally prepare myself, eat a little, and take maternity photos.  I was 34 weeks pregnant and measuring bigger than a full-term pregnancy.  This was it, the last few weeks of feeling like a beached whale.  I could see the light at the end of the tunnel!  I was ready for these babies to come, or so I thought.

Pretty in Pink

Married and pregnant with twins starting my senior year of college.  Well, go big or go home I suppose.  Our doctor at VPFW told my husband and me early on that I would more than likely not go full term and that I would probably be put on bed rest at some point.  Fortunately, I had been a college athlete up until this point so my body was in great condition to handle a twin pregnancy (not to mention my naturally big hips helped a little too).
The first few months were full of stomach sickness, migraines, and hormonal tears every now and again.  My loving husband took me to Jimmy Johns for lunch one Saturday, and we order two sandwiches to sit down and eat.  I took a bite, and tears started to well up in my eyes.  He looks over at me, "What's wrong babe?".  I look up trying to fight back tears, "They put mayonnaise on my sandwich", and the tears began to pour down my face.  He quickly gathered our things and walked me to the car.  We get in and I look at him, completely embarrassed and obviously still upset about the mayo incident.  He says, "don't worry about the sandwich, let's just a take a drive".  Long story short, we ended up at Bass Pro Shop, where we spent the day walking around and eating fudge.  What a great guy, right?
Eventually the sickness and migraines faded away, and for a short period of time I felt like Superwoman.  My days were spent going to class and completing assignments, and my nights were spent waiting tables at Colonial Pizza.  Pregnancy was treating me well, and I was fully enjoying the belly.
It was finally time to find out what we were having!  Boys, boys, boys!  Two boys is what we wanted, or at least one of each.  We go into the doctor's office with anticipation building as we sign in and wait to be called back.  Right away the ultrasound tech asks if we would like to know what we are having.  "Yes!" we said excitedly as we stared at the screen trying to figure it out ourselves.  Two girls?!  We were shocked but happy that we were going to have two healthy girls.  (At this point, all we knew was that the girls were in two separate sacs inside of me, which meant that they were going to be fraternal twins)
I was overly excited that I was going to be able to buy girl clothes, toys, and of course accessories!  My husband, naturally, was feeling down about not having any boys, but now he would not trade these girls for the world.  I slipped on the two little pink bracelets and went to show the family.  It was official, we were about to be up to our eyeballs in pink!

And Then There Were Four

3 a.m., yep, that is when we found out we were going to be parents.  Sitting in our small city apartment just big enough for the two of us.  We were in shock.  Obviously we knew how it happened, but how did this happen to us?  Our emotions were tinkering between excited and scared for our lives.  We were having a baby (or so we thought).
All of our family and friends were so excited that we would be adding a sweet little baby to the family!  We had become excited ourselves and could not wait for the first trip to the doctor.  

Here we go, first ultrasound.  We check in at the VPFW office and there are pregnant women all around me.  I look around and think, if these women can all do it, then I surely can.  We sit in the waiting room, nervous and excited to finally see the little baby inside of me.  I lay down in the chair and the ultrasound tech squirts a large amount of gooey substance all over my stomach.  The anticipation builds as she goes searching for that tiny little gummy bear.  She zooms in, "well there is your little peanut".  A collective "awww" from my husband and I as tears start to well up in my eyes.  She zooms back out and in again, "and there is your other other peanut".  Wait, what?  What do you mean other peanut?  "Yep, you are having twins".  She said it so matter of fact, which I suppose is the only way to say it.  Happy, scared, and unsure tears run down my face.  I'm going to be a mother to two babies.  Oh, boy!  And then there were four.

This is Where it Begins

Everyone has one of those nights, whether you want to admit it or not.  Where you make decisions that could make or break your life.  When you choose to follow your heart and let everything else fall into place.  Times like those, twins are created.  I will not spill all the details of how, when, and where the girls were conceived.  Just know that it was filled with absolute love and affection for both my husband and I, and no we were not married yet.
It was the night of our wedding.  Lights were low, music was loud, and friends and family were dancing like there was no tomorrow.  I was completely in love with the man of my dreams and we were sharing kisses and dances whenever we got the chance.  Not a care in the world!  After the reception we all headed out to the local bars to continue celebrating this wonderful, once in a lifetime occasion.  I am talking away with my sister-in-law about life and happiness, when all of the sudden it hits me.  Oh no, I'm late!  Okay, I cannot be that late, let me just check my phone.  5 days, you cannot be serious!  It's obviously the stress of the wedding, so I will just worry about it later.
After a long night of celebration, my husband and I head to the local Hilton Inn and settle down into our massive king bed with blankets so soft it was as if we were floating on clouds.  I could not hold it in any longer, I just had to tell him.  "Babe, I'm 5 days late".  He responds with "You are joking?!".  No, I would definitely not joke about this, and if I did it would not be on the night of our wedding!  We both take a big sigh and think about the possibility that we may become parents in just 9 short months.  My husband looks at me and says, "it's the night of our wedding, I will worry about this tomorrow".
The next day, sure enough, we had a positive pregnancy test.  We took a deep breath, this is it.  This is the end.  Our lives of working all week and partying all weekend had to come to an abrupt stop.  We were going to be parents.  We wanted kids of course, but not right away.  Yep, this was definitely the end of life as we knew it.  Little did we know, this is where it all begins.

If Money Grew on Trees, I Would Still be Broke!

Raising twins is hard.  You can take all the preparation classes and read all of the books that you want, but nothing will prepare you for the struggle that you will encounter once you bring those sweet angels home from the hospital.
Everyone tells you that the babies will eat every 3 hours and it will be nice and easy and they will latch on and nurse without any issues, because nursing is the best option.  Also, if you give your baby formula then they will likely go to jail by the age of 18.  Not to mention their IQ will be seriously low because the nutrition that they get from you is obviously the only thing that contributes to their brain development.  Yea, well you will agree with them, until you come home with two crying babies who will not latch on to you.  Even if they did, you are not a dairy cow and cannot produce enough milk to feed two babies 8 or more times a day.
I did not want to believe the doctor when he came in and said, "I hope you are planning to supplement with some formula, because feeding two is extremely difficult".  No way, not me!  Not a college athlete, who managed to work and go to school while pregnant with twins (even when I could no longer fit in the desk).  I thought I had already been through the hardest part.  Well, contrary to what I thought would happen, these sweet little babies did not want to nurse.
Okay, plan B, go buy some formula.  $16 per can, you cannot be serious!  And I will use at least one can a day!  Oh boy, I did not budget for this, and I am also not working!  A full year worth of formula, sometimes topping out at 2 cans per day.  It was enough to put us out of our 2 bedroom city apartment, and into a 1 bedroom apartment 2 hours away from what I called "home".
Well that covers formula, but did I mention the diapers?  Those are the real kicker.  At least formula is done at 1 year, diapers, however go on 2 years and more realistically 3 years.
So thank goodness we had hand-me-down clothes from cousins and friends!  Without the help from others, our ship would have sunk long ago.  But here we are, 2 1/2 years old and still going strong.  The struggle is still there, but we are surviving and enjoying life!  In my opinion, that is all that matters!  Besides, if money grew on trees, I would still be broke!